You will never guess how ingenious I felt when I realized that the number 5 is my TRUTH right now in my life.
5 and I have become fast new friends, technically speaking.
We have suited up in armor as of late because I’ve been become acutely aware of the power of this number.
It’s been a theme in my life.
Earlier last month, for whatever reason I sat up and made note of how 5 years of my life have passed and I how I plunged into depression, instability, back-tracking, loss of conviction, weak focus, lack of self-awareness, and muddled mind syndrome (when you are so unsure of what to do or where to go with your life).
I’ll put this into more perspective:
October 17, 2008.
I lost my job, the best job I have ever had.
I was a high school History teacher at a tough as nails high school. I loved those kids.
If you have never been a part of one, you wouldn’t believe how they challenge your self-worth.
I was just getting into a groove as a teacher.
I believed from my heart to my toes, that I was going to be in the field of education until it was time to retire.
For a solid two years I tried to get another full-time position as a teacher.
I took on long-term substitute assignments, took a course on curriculum, and even took and passed the content test for Special Education K-12.
Long story short, I still failed.
No job came.
When I look back I do realize that I didn’t fight hard or savvy enough to get a teaching position. I assumed that all you needed to do was list your resume in job board databases.
I didn’t reach out to Principals directly. I didn’t create a portfolio.
I believe that I didn’t deep down was because I was fearful.
I was afraid of not being good enough in the end. Of not being able to pull through and be a teacher that kicks-ass.
In these past years to make ends meet I had to return to working in retail.
I worked in retail for several years before I began teaching.
I always hated it.
Having to return to it made my gut sink daily.
But this was the real problem.
I felt that I was above it all.
I was ashamed.
Here I was, I had been a teacher and now I am back to square one.
Therefore in 5 years, I worked for 5 different retailers.
I didn’t receive the lesson.
While I have long known that I would never want to work in retail for the long-haul, I should have been using the time to save my money, and work on a Masters degree that fell lock and step in my true career ambitions from when I was a teenager (media production or screenwriting) and mapped out a plan to start my own production company.
If I had done so, I would have been extremely more confident and well equipped financially and mentally to foray into working in media and movies.
All I looked at was that these jobs paid a pittance to what my job as a teacher paid.
Anywhere from 25K less to 18K at the most.
This freaked me out.
When you work in retail, there is really no way to have a part-time job because of the unconventional scheduling structure.
To further close the gap, I gave my hand at being a freelance copywriter.
Sadly, the money I made as a freelancer seemed to never really make a dent in my pocket book. Somehow what extra I did make was on time and needed to pay for something that popped up unexpectedly.
Like an electric bill that was higher than usual, or a birthday gift for a friend.
Yes, they were. I didn’t acknowledge that. Shame on me.
It seemed that with every job, I went backwards. Then it seemed that I went backwards in every other area of my life as well.
During the past five years, I failed to have enough confidence in myself to do what I was intended to do. BE A STORYTELLER.
I felt that everyone I personally knew just wouldn’t get it.
Therefore, I would proclaim to want to do other things. The things that I believed people would at least not deem so weird.
From law school, to trying to get back in the classroom.
I would make a very big deal about it too.
I’d start shouting it in everything I did.
If someone was to ask me, “girl what are you up to?” I’d reply with, “oh, trying to get a teaching job” or “I am thinking about law school.”
I even started a non-profit. Foolishly believing that it would lead to a viable career.
But non-profits are non-profits. And if you don’t have an air-tight strategy, relentless confidence, and a network that you know how to “work” to your advantage, then the viability of turning a non-profit into a vehicle for change and making a career from it goes down in flames one January afternoon. Right in front of you.
In these past five years, I’ve been broke, had no car for 15 months, had 5 jobs, witnessed my mother’s death, had my life partner give up on me, been extremely selfish in my actions due to my lack of confidence, been dangerously irresponsible, and felt like I was losing my mind almost every single day.
To turn back to my recent clarity with the number 5 is this:
On October 17, 2013. I publicly told the world that my next five years will not be like my last.
I am on the hunt.
I am putting my big girl panties on.
I am going to start worrying a lot less about the past, feeling like a failure, and making the same mistakes over and over and over again.
I am getting crystal clear on how to make my future happen.
I know now that means finding a job that will pay my bills while I also work a part-time one too. All in order to beef up my savings and become the writer/producer that I know that God intended for me to be.
I am no longer freelance copywriting. Its just a route that doesn’t feed my soul and this autumn I realized that it would never truly put extra bucks in my pocket.
I do aspire in the near future to write scripts for companies that are producing corporate films or short cinematic films, and eventually for those that are producing web series.
It’s about writing what nourishes me and for no one else. I need to write to live.
As the famed director, Ava Duvernay recently said at a Film Independent conference, “stop wearing the suit of desperation.” I know that as a freelance copywriter, that’s what I was doing, times five.
More in-focus about five:
This past Saturday night I got the opportunity to photograph my first event (photography is another high interest of mine and I suppose it is because it ties in so strongly to my love for cinema).
The guest of honor had a remarkable reason to celebrate.
This past weekend marks the fifth year anniversary that he was homeless.
In five years he has totally changed his life around.
He has a small publishing company, a steady nine to five, and a supportive girlfriend.
I almost peed on myself while snapping away and listening to his story.
The nature of 5 is strong. It’s a theme for me in my life altogether.
I am a fairly spiritual person and this morning I read that 5 symbolizes loyalty but can be unstable as well.
I couldn’t agree more.
I will take this cue of the five and let it turn me around for the better.
I know that I am finally on my way to being my best self.
I will keep my eyes peeled on the power of five.
My next five years will be stellar.
I will grow onwards and upwards the spiritual ladder.
My mental toughness will press forward.
Professionally I will become redeemable.
I now have no safety nets.
I only have myself.
I have to work harder these next five years than I have my entire life combined.
I am perfectly fine with that.
Power to the 5th